Playgroup

This is the true story about how I joined a playgroup and got kicked out on the same day.

All my working life I envied 'stay at home moms'. Anything with "stay at home" in the job title has got to be awesome. Right? Cue all the stay at home moms screaming "NO!" A few weeks ago I got a taste of how that job title is not all it's cracked up to be.

I had some friends/family staying at my house for the weekend, one of which was a miniature person. She was 3 and we were instant-a-friends. On the last day of the trip she and I went on a walk. It was a gorgeous monday and since I am basically unemployed I wanted to experience what people do during the day when they're not stuck in an office. (I mean, seriously, did you guys know that the sun shines ALL DAY?) I had no destination in mind but 1 mile and 20 minutes later we ended up at the park in my neighborhood. Perfect.

I saw 3 moms sitting on the grass chit-chatting and watching their kids play. I didn't take much notice of them until they said they recognized me from church. My bad. I totally didn't recognize any of them. But I did recognize their kids, probably because kids in church are still a novelty to me. Anyway, I got to know them a bit then turned my attention back to the playground to get in some time on the slide and in the sand. As my friend the Black Widow noted, "So, you joined a playgroup... as one of the kids?" Apparently! While the "other moms" were talking amongst themselves I was on the slide with my 3 yr old and their 3 yr olds making a train over and over and over. Oh, we were having a great time.

Suddenly, there was a problem. My miniature friend looked at me with panic in her eyes and exclaimed, "I have to go potty!" Unfortunately, there were no bathrooms at the park. Being prepared for a moment like this did not occur to me before we left the house. Call me self centered.

I asked the moms in vain if there was a bathroom nearby. Graciously one of them offered to let us go to her house across the street to use her facilities. They started packing up but, I soon realized that would not do. My dear, miniature, panicked friend had waited until the last possible moment to inform me that she was fixin' to talk to a man about a horse and there would be no walking across the street to do so. The panic spread from her eyes to mine as I looked to the moms for some guidance.

"We make our boys go in the rocks" they said. Hold up. My minifriend is a girl. She ain't skilled in the squatting if you know what I mean. By the time I got my wits about me minifriend had already started the accident in her pants and added tears for effect. I whisked her to the rocks, yanked down her pants and sat her over my arm so she could finish her business. When I thought the piddle had petered out I asked her if she was finished. She looked at me with a blank look in her eyes which I had no idea how to interpret. At least the crying had stopped. I asked her again. No response. And then... she dropped the deuce. Oh yeah. She went #2 right there in the rocks while I held my arm out for her to sit on.

Do you know what you do when you have a kid go #1 and #2 in the rocks while sitting on your arm? You pray there is a mother standing there with her magical diaper bag full of tricks. It was now me with the blank look in my eyes as I turned to my new mom friends with no clue what to do next. There they were with babywipes and a plastic garbage bag for me to clean up the mess. Thank th'goodness. Once minifriend was taken care of (and smiling and happy again with no consideration for the trauma I was now going through) I took the plastic bag and picked up the poop.

People. Do you know the main reason why I don't have a dog? I don't have a dog because picking up dog poop makes me dry heave. It's disgusting. Let me tell you, picking up child poop in the same manner? Not. Any. Better. But, I did it.

I now considered the mile long return walk home and the chaffing that would occur on that poor girl if I didn't carry her and the pee soaked pants she was wearing that would get all over me if I did carry her. Umm... But, there they were again, my new mom friends offering me a ride home. Again, thank th'goodness. I didn't want to get pee all over the mom's seat so I made minifriend sit on my lap on the way home thus saturating my clothes with pee anyway. But, we were home and I could pass her off to her parent to clean up the rest of the mess.

As we walked in the door she exclaimed with a smile, "I peed in the park!" as if it were her greatest accomplishment. We were both proud of ourselves. She peed in the park and I didn't sell her to the gypsy family down the street for putting me through the trauma of dealing with it.

So, while the moms haven't called me to invite me back to playgroup (understandably) I can take heart knowing that I taught my miniature friend one of the most valuable skills she will ever need in life: how to squat in nature.

The end.