05 September 2009

the climb

Hello? (echo... echo...)

I know I have no right showing my face around here after abandoning you. But, there is something really important I need to share with you.

It's this: Miley Cyrus is right.

Wanna see what my bedroom looks like?
I'm not kidding you people, I disgust myself. I cannot believe the filth I allow myself to live it.

If ones bedroom is a reflection of one's life I'll give you one guess what my life feels like.
The correct answer is: chaos.

Perhaps chaos is the reason there's been no blogging. Any given day for me involves running between 4 different jobs (yes... four), trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (thus maintaining my sanity, and that's not even an exaggeration) and what little energy I have left for spirituality, cleanliness, nutrition and sleep. Obviously, there has been no energy left for the latter 4 (yet I seem to have enough time to facebook and don't you dare judge me).

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I haven't really had (taken?) the time to process through the daily emotions so they've been accumulating. For months.

I photographed another wedding today. It was great. But, weddings are stressful. Very. Being responsible for the lasting memories a bride and groom have of their special day is a lot of pressure. It was awesome. Yet, it was the tipping point for me.

And that's when I found myself crying a little at the end of "Hannah Montana: The Movie". For those of you who haven't experienced the fine art that is HM:TM, at the end of the movie Miley (as Miley, mind you, not Hannah) sings The Climb. Let's not pretend you don't know and love the song... or that I didn't come home and purchase it on itunes and put it on repeat for the last... ahem... while (and if you really don't then you should just listen to it for the sake of knowing what I'm talking about here).

Here's the thing. The wedding really was great. I got to shoot alongside an amazing videographer and learned a ton from him. It was a beautiful day. The bride and groom were seriously two of the most quality, good people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I was so genuinely happy for them. I feel like I got some beautiful shots. Then I started thinking about how I want... nay, need a new camera, lenses, a reflector, a video light, experience and more business. And, do we really even need to talk about the stress of trying to manage my daily schedule and figuring out where I need to be and when? Or, how all I really want is a husband and kids and I don't have that? Or, how I wish I was skinny and healthy and exercised all the time but haven't had (made?) time for it? Or, how I wish I could fix all my friends problems? Or, how I need to read the scriptures, pray and go to the temple but I can't find the motivation? Ugh. But, I digress...

I felt like I was on a high from the wedding until I started considering how much higher I want to and am able to get. I want to be good! I want to be great! I want to be amazing! And yet... getting to that higher level is going to take time and money (money that I don't have and have no idea how I'm going to get even though I feel like I work, and work, and work but can't even keep up with my current financial responsibilities and maybe I'm considering prostitution to get it... ok, not really) and hard work and innovation. And that realization was a little depressing and frustrating. I want it all. And I want it now.

Seriously, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling- happy? sad? loved? lonely? talented? inexperienced? hopeful? stressed?

And that's when Miley reminded me that:
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
And I knew she was right.
IT'S THE CLIMB, people!
It's the climb.