I can't remember how old I am

Today is my birthday.

It's very convenient to start a new year and a new age at the same time. I celebrate a new year on January 1st and January 3rd. I've always loved my birth date.

Looking back on this year the thing I remember most is that I went to work. Then when I got off of work I went to work again, just at a different job. Then when I got off work again, I went home and worked more. I remember exhaustion. I remember a lot of tears. I remember feeling completely lost. I remember feeling like I'd lost myself, my sense of humor, my ability to have fun, my ability to manage my life. I remember feeling a lot like this.

But, I also remember a family I can't get enough of, parents who were more understanding and compassionate than I ever knew they could be, sisters and friends who'd walk to hell and back with me just so I'd have a shoulder to cry on, friend's parents who worry about me like I am one of their own, a bishop who let me cry about my job/financial/life situation every time I walked into his office and never made me feel embarrassed about it, a friend who loved me without even knowing my name (may she rest in peace), being able to simultaneously call 3 different people my 'best friend'. I remember Switzerland & Spain, puzzles and pictures. I remember being happy. I remember being hopeful.

Thank you, 2010.

In 2011, 33 year old me will nurture my spirituality, work less, work smarter, have more fun, lots more fun, be more adventurous, take care of my body, take care of my home and take the one big risk I was too scared to take in 2010.

The first song I listened to in 2011 and my theme song for the year:

favorite song of all time

and i seriously mean of ALL TIME:

i wish by skee-lo

Feet meet Street

This morning I was watching the telecast of the ING NYC Marathon and heaven help me if I didn't cry through the whole thing.

I was pulling for Paula Radcliffe and Ryan Hall naturally. But as they fell back and the finish line neared my attention was turned.

Derartu Tulu was strong. She sprinted away from the competition looking like she could run another 26.2 miles. But it wasn't her win that impressed me most. It was her character.

"She ran alongside me and was like, come on, come on. We can do it, we can do it," a disappointed Radcliffe told reporters.
"Even when the girls took off she kind of waited with me a bit. But that's Derartu, She's always been like that." [Source]

I cried alongside Meb Keflezighi as he crossed the finish line with USA written across his chest and broke down in tears. Tears of joy. Tears of exhaustion. Mine were tears of awe. Tears of gratitude and pride in someone who became a citizen just over a decade ago yet represents the spirit of this nation better than most who have lived here forever.

It wasn't just the runners that moved me. It was running in general. There is something very special about running. I can't describe exactly what it is nor can you know unless you've allowed your feet to meet the street. Perhaps it has something to do with putting miles behind you, not only literally, but figuratively. Something to do with letting go of the past and embracing what lies ahead of you. Something to do with having the courage to do what and go where you never thought you could. Perhaps it has something to do with conquering a particular distance, a particular course that reveals your physical strength and mental tenacity. Something to do with teaching you about yourself and your ability to conquer the challenging course of everyday life.

Whatever it is. Running is special.

And, after a year long hiatus I am ready once again for my feet to meet the street.

the climb

Hello? (echo... echo...)

I know I have no right showing my face around here after abandoning you. But, there is something really important I need to share with you.

It's this: Miley Cyrus is right.

Wanna see what my bedroom looks like?
This:
I'm not kidding you people, I disgust myself. I cannot believe the filth I allow myself to live it.

If ones bedroom is a reflection of one's life I'll give you one guess what my life feels like.
The correct answer is: chaos.

Perhaps chaos is the reason there's been no blogging. Any given day for me involves running between 4 different jobs (yes... four), trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (thus maintaining my sanity, and that's not even an exaggeration) and what little energy I have left for spirituality, cleanliness, nutrition and sleep. Obviously, there has been no energy left for the latter 4 (yet I seem to have enough time to facebook and don't you dare judge me).

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I haven't really had (taken?) the time to process through the daily emotions so they've been accumulating. For months.

I photographed another wedding today. It was great. But, weddings are stressful. Very. Being responsible for the lasting memories a bride and groom have of their special day is a lot of pressure. It was awesome. Yet, it was the tipping point for me.

And that's when I found myself crying a little at the end of "Hannah Montana: The Movie". For those of you who haven't experienced the fine art that is HM:TM, at the end of the movie Miley (as Miley, mind you, not Hannah) sings The Climb. Let's not pretend you don't know and love the song... or that I didn't come home and purchase it on itunes and put it on repeat for the last... ahem... while (and if you really don't then you should just listen to it for the sake of knowing what I'm talking about here).

Here's the thing. The wedding really was great. I got to shoot alongside an amazing videographer and learned a ton from him. It was a beautiful day. The bride and groom were seriously two of the most quality, good people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I was so genuinely happy for them. I feel like I got some beautiful shots. Then I started thinking about how I want... nay, need a new camera, lenses, a reflector, a video light, experience and more business. And, do we really even need to talk about the stress of trying to manage my daily schedule and figuring out where I need to be and when? Or, how all I really want is a husband and kids and I don't have that? Or, how I wish I was skinny and healthy and exercised all the time but haven't had (made?) time for it? Or, how I wish I could fix all my friends problems? Or, how I need to read the scriptures, pray and go to the temple but I can't find the motivation? Ugh. But, I digress...

I felt like I was on a high from the wedding until I started considering how much higher I want to and am able to get. I want to be good! I want to be great! I want to be amazing! And yet... getting to that higher level is going to take time and money (money that I don't have and have no idea how I'm going to get even though I feel like I work, and work, and work but can't even keep up with my current financial responsibilities and maybe I'm considering prostitution to get it... ok, not really) and hard work and innovation. And that realization was a little depressing and frustrating. I want it all. And I want it now.

Seriously, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling- happy? sad? loved? lonely? talented? inexperienced? hopeful? stressed?

And that's when Miley reminded me that:

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

And I knew she was right.
IT'S THE CLIMB, people!
It's the climb.

DO(n't qu)IT

Lately, this idea of giving up plagues my mind.

I mean, really.
What's so bad about giving up?

If you give it your best, if you give it your all, if you give it the old college try, when is it ok to say "I give up"?

Is it wrong to abandon hope?
Is it so wrong to forsake goals you've been unable to achieve?
Is it wrong to want to end the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams?
When can you say, "enough is enough"?

Maybe I don't really want a "real" job again.
Maybe being single for life isn't so bad.
Maybe I can be fat and happy.

I throw my arms in the air and exclaim "I give!"

But, then. There it is. That little voice in my head that says silly things like, "Just hang on", "Someday soon", "You can do this", "This won't last forever", "You will be loved", "Anything is possible".

And the crazy thing about it all is that little voice speaks louder than any other and I'm foolish enough to listen to her.