i ain't no childbride

When I get married I'm not going to change my Facebook**** status to "married" and my new last name* the day I get married like so many childbrides** do.

No, I'm going to change them the day before I get married just so I can booyah in their faces for being lame enough to wait as long as they did.

See... ya learn a thing or two from being single for as long as I have.











*Let it be known that in real life when I do actually get married I am not changing my last name. This is not out of principle. It's out of shear laziness.
**Also let it be known that this is not a bitter diatribe. No really. I swear***.
***Does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself?
****Let's be Facebook friends. I only need 8 more friends to get to 400 and I'm all about the numbers.

Speaking of Glenn Beck and Mormons

I was so excited the other day when I found Glenn Beck's syndicated radio show on the radio (because that's where you find radio shows). It used to not be carried here in Vegas (good english, huh?).

Have I ever told you how much I love Glenn? Love him. And it's not just because he's a Mo.

There are lots of Mormons I like. But, you being a Mormon does not mean I automatically like you. Believe me, there are plenty of Mormons I hate.

OK, let me just be honest here. I didn't write this blog post solely to tell you about how much I love/hate Mormons. I am writing it to tell you how much I loathe Stephanie Meyer and those damn vampire books. Yes, I read them. OK, yes, maybe I got sucked into the first 3 books. They were alright. However, I hated Breaking Dawn with fiery indignation. This honestly was the most poorly written book I have ever read. Horrible. I literally feel dumber for having read it.

I was determined to hate the book before I even started it and I was not disappointed. The story line was fine, whatever. But, the writing was awful! Inconsistent. Repetitive. Annoying. Need I go on? Yes... yes, I do. I was ready to shove pencils in my eyes so I wouldn't have to read anymore about how beautiful Edward is and how much vamp sex they had. Good hell!

And can I just make one more point? If Edward is a vamp with no blood, who doesn't need to breathe and eat and sleep and blah, blah, blah... then how does he have man fluid to MAKE A BABY?!

Linkup Breakup

I need to break up with LDSLinkup.

It's gone on too long. As with any good disfunctional relationship I've put off having "the talk" for too long. I won't be delivering the "It's not you. It's me" speech because it's not me. Linkup... it's you.

Frankly, I'm bored and saddened by it. You know how every singles ward in the church pretty much looks and feels the same? Well that's how linkup is. It's the same stereotypical crowd. And even though I love me a good stereotype, logging on has become as depressing as attending a singles ward. Blah.

The real kicker came today as I was reading a young man's profile. It was pretty typical all around, especially the "Who I'd Like to Meet" field- cute, funny, blonde, anorexic, big boobs (OK, so that might not have been exactly what he wrote but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant). His last sentance read "Oh, and a strong testimony wouldn't hurt."

Here it is. I'm not saying that looking for someone with a testimony is wrong. Quite the contrary in fact. When "strong testimony" is listed almost as an afterthought and, more than anything, as the "cherry on top" I seriously weep for our religion. When I see testimony listed as an added bonus and not a "must have" I can see why the adversary's attack on the family is frighteningly as successful as it is.

PS- When I get emails from guys that are signed "hugz" I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Utah

I love the Food Network. I haven't watched "The Next Food Network Star" but while at home for the weekend I got to see Utah's own "Kelsey Nixon" on one of the news shows doing a little cooking demonstration.

I hate her. Sorry if you are her or if you are friends with her or if you love her because I'm sure she's a nice gal and all but seriously I cannot stand her stupid face and her stupid voice. Just so... Utah! Blah!

Ok, so I didn't hate her at first. Sure, she annoyed me from the get go but the thing that pushed me over the edge was when she showed us "a really easy way to cut corn off of a cob." Guess how she did it... with a KNIFE! Seriously?! Are there idiots out there who are just pickin' the kernals off the cob one by one with their bare hands? Really, Kelsey?! You showed me how to cut. corn. off. a. cob. with. a. knife... as if no one had ever thought to do that before.

Then I cut my ears and eyeballs off my head just so I wouldn't have to watch her or listen to her anymore.