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See, I hate sleeping alone. Hate it. That’s probably why I sleep with 5 pillows, a big down comforter and the TV on. It’s an attempt to simulate having someone else there with me. I love cuddling, spooning, whatever you want to call it. I want to spoon every night with “my person”.
It’s not just when I’m trying to sleep that I feel that way. Even though I have a great family, amazing friends and keep myself busier than I can handle most of the time I still feel lonely; at church, at parties, at the grocery store, amongst friends, everywhere. It’s not that I’m alone or distancing myself from the crowd. On the contrary, I try to connect with people and form meaningful relationships. But, there is still an emptiness inside that I know will only be filled by “my person”. There is a longing for companionship, unconditional love. It’s a constant aching that I try to stifle because I have little or no control over whether or not that void gets filled. I put this issue in God’s hands (yet still manage to pester him every night to make something happen) and just wait (patiently? Maybe not so much).
In my quest to find “my person” I seem, all too often, to get stuck in relationship purgatory- the pre-DTR status- where I can never tell if I’m going up or down until it’s too late and I get sentenced to heartbreak. I get stuck figuring out if this is someone I date? Someone I’m dating? My boyfriend? I never know. Call me clueless. It keeps happening yet, I keep going back for more.
I’m in that relationship purgatory right now waiting to see if I’ll proceed onto happiness or heartbreak. See, I just started dating a guy who we’ll call Jason… because that’s his name. And I’m quite sure he doesn’t read this blog. But, I kind of secretly hope he does read this so that he’ll freak out that I’m even thinking about him and marriage in the same thought, then I’ll freak out and get embarrassed, then years from now when we’re married and have beautiful children we’ll have a great story to tell the kids about how one time mommy blogged about daddy and it almost ruined everything but, then, they realized it was all a hilarious misunderstanding and we’ll all just laugh and laugh and laugh… ok maybe I get carried away…
So anyway… Jason. I have no idea where things stand. In my version of the story we’re “dating”. But, because he lives in Salt Lake and I live in Vegas we’ve only been out twice. Though the second time we didn’t so much “go out” as we just “made out” (see I told you the bra works!!) on my parents' couch (which is an entirely different post in and of itself about dating in my parents house at my age). But we’ve chatted a lot. I’ve gotten to know him well enough to know that I want to know him better and can see a potential future together. However, Jason is the slowest... mover... ever... (My sister contends that this is a good thing for me since I’m totally the type who would rush into a relationship and get engaged after 3 weeks... and she’s right.) He’s been hurt in the past so I understand his apprehension about getting into another relationship. But, hey, we’ve all been hurt. Get over it! Perhaps this is what I get for dating long distance- a relationship that refuses to follow normal dating patterns and progression. Whatev…
Technology definitely isn’t helping our situation either. IMing and texting are too convenient and they’ve stunted our relationship growth. The guy refuses to call.
In the immortal words of fiddy:
Aayooh
I'm tired of using technology, why don't you sit down on top of me
Aayooh
I'm tired of using technology, I need you right in front of me
I'm tired of using technology, why don't you sit down on top of me
Aayooh
I'm tired of using technology, I need you right in front of me
The man knows what he’s talking about.
So here I stand. Am I going to marry Jason? Honestly, I have no idea. Is he going to be "My Person"? All I can do is shrugg my shoulders and say, “we’ll see what happens.” But, for the first time, I really like not knowing. I’m embracing the excitement of having a potential in sight and the stress of figuring out where we’re headed.
7 comments:
AAAWWWWW! Cropstar. I don't even know what to say. I will leave it to Marty (the granddad) from Return to Me:
"I want you to remember that all the times I prayed that Gracie would have a second chance at life, I always knew that if God blessed us, the heart she got would have to be from a very special person, if it were going to be at home in Grace. When she met you, her heart beat truly for the first time. Perhaps it was meant to be with you always."
It is the same for you, girl. No average normal smelly man will do. :) Hang in there.
I hate dating, I hate it with a passion!! It seems like once or twice a year I get this marriage itch, so I date, then disappoint and it goes away... and then it comes back. Such a tedious process.
It really helps though when someone wants the same things you do EXACTLY at the same time you do. So I threw everything out the window as far as expectations and stuck only to the basic standards. What are the 4 most important qualities for a guy to fill for you? I leave the rest to working it out and compromising because everyone these days has been hurt so badly that they dont trust anyone. Its hard.
Thats why the younger ones get married so easily, they don't know any better or worse... But at least with experience we will appreciate it that much more when it does happen.
We are the same person.
O MY GOSH. I love you. LOVE YOU!!! That was just so hilarious...And so help me, I hope he doesn't read this blog- just like how I ran home to erase the posts of my booty-call texter when he heard I had a blog and wanted to see it. Probably the only time in my life I have ever been remotely embarassed- mostly because I knew I'd have to run home and erase 2 entries.
I was thinking of some cool words you taught me... unfortunately I can't remember any, except for unfathomable, but could I use it in this content?y
It looks as though you are giving Jason a lot of lee-way. It is good to use the ThomCarter rules, but don't be a different person than who you are because someone can't or won't move on or heal from the past.
I'm late to the show (the whole GMAT fiasco), but really...and I haven't read the most updated post...boys who won't make phone calls are a bad idea, unless they are telephonaphobics, in which case, they need therapy and they still might be a bad idea.
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