So, I'll keep running.

Running for me is 25%physical and 75% mental. Too many times I battle with my brain. Can I actually do this? Is this going to kill me? If I can make it to mile 2 I'm usually good. But every so often I can't out run that voice. That was the case tonight. I had 5 miles on the schedule but by the time I was able to lace up the shoes it was too dark outside to spend an hour on the road. Maybe I didn't go because I was afraid of the 5 miles I should have done. I figured doing something was better than skipping the run altogether so I headed to the gym to lay down a few miles on the track. I forgot my ipod so it was me and the track. The sound of my shoes hitting the track was an unfamiliar, yet empowering sound. I started out strong and felt good throughout my run but I was only able to tack down 3 miles. M1- 10:05, M2- 10:45, M3- 11:00.

The voice was still there, questioning. How am I ever going to be able to run 26 miles at one time if I can't even get past 3 miles. What was I thinking when I decided to run a marathon? It's not too late to quit. Even if I keep training I still have almost 3 months to decide not to do it. It's ok to give up.

I was even more discouraged by the pain in my left knee- most likely my partially torn ACL, an old indoor soccer injury. I went through physical therapy a few years ago and haven't had a single problem with it since. I recognized the pain and decided it wise to resume some of the exercise I did in therapy. Hopefully within a few weeks it'll be strong again.

As I left the gym something occurred to me. Every time I look at how many miles are on the schedule for the day I get scared. Down right scared. Of what? I'm not sure- failing? not finishing? dying? Maybe I'm just scared that even though I know I can do it, it's going to be difficult. And that difficulty in and of itself is scary. But, then I remembered that of all the things I've accomplished in my newborn running career, I haven't yet died. I've never collapsed during a run. I've never come in last at a race. I've never even felt wasted afterwards. Sure it's been hard. Sure it's been hot. Sure every time I run I remember that I hate running. But, never fail, that runner's high comes as soon as I've accomplished what I set out to accomplish- be it 3 miles or 13 (my longest distance to date). So, I'll keep running.

When I got home I had an email update in my inbox from the Spirit of the Marathon. I went to the website, not realizing that the movie preview would automatically start playing. It was a sign from the running gods I'm pretty sure. This is what I want. I want to run those 26.2 miles. I want to quell that voice that says I cannot accomplish this. I will finish! I will keep running!

I'm sure most of you who run have seen this already but here it is again as a reminder of why we do what we do. The movie comes out on DVD this fall. Can't wait. I'm going to watch it over and over and over.